Phil the Presumptuous

Punxsutawney Phil, you presumptuous little Sciuridae. I bet the global whining fanatics are trembling in their overpriced Uggs and Land's End parkas right about now. Who knew Phil was a conservative? Certainly not the smiling cynic. Your 35% accuracy rating should qualify you for a czar-ship with his holiness Obamer. But since your batting average is too high for the high and mighty, maybe an honorary mention in the Baseball Hall of Fame is in order. I love non sequitur Mondays! Which is Doubly-funny because it's Tuesday.

O.F. the Jovial

Oppressive Optimism

Two weeks ago, I embarked on a week-loooong journey of optimism. For one whole week I attempted, and mostly succeeded, in looking for the silver lining in every situation that was so bold as to bask in my normally sour-faced presence. It was hell, but not really.

I was, dare I say, pleasant and hopeful at every opportunity. I was even happier at the end of the week. Did my cynicism die? Not by a long shot. In fact, I found that I can be optimistic, cynical, disillusioned, and happy simultaneously. What an amazing feeling. I have finally achieved balance. My friends laughed, but they have actually seen the difference in the emotional equilibrium I have cultivated.

Our union presidents didn't know what to do. Watching them squirm in the confusion of my amicable and courteous demeaner was priceless. It is a tactic that I am still using and the results are amazing. In the land of the blind, the one-eyed Jack is king. For me, it is a helpful and handy tool in my rucksack. For them, they think they are making inroads and having me on their side. In reality, they get sloppy and make sophmoric mistakes that are to the Agency's, and the bargaining unit's, advantage. Ain't life grand?

Anyhoo, don't worry. The smiling cynic isn't going anywhere for a while. I just needed a week to recover from hyper-optimisia. Get ready for more rants and raves later this week.

Old Fart

Hocus Focus

Jury selection in the murder trial for slain late-term abortion Doctor George Tiller began yesterday. For those outside of Kansas, Dr. Tiller was one of only three doctors in the U.S. that performed third trimester and partial-birth abortions. He was routinely supported by, and gave financial support to, former Kansas Governer Kathleen Sibelius, now Secretary of Health and Human Services in the Obama administration; who, in return, granted him protection from prosecution for denying the right to life for unborn and partially born infants.

The judge in the case is allowing the freedom fighter who killed Dr. Tiller, Scott Roeder, to present a "necessity defense"* in court. Prosecutors are adamant about not bringing the abortion argument into court and have filed motions attempting to ban the use of term and subject of abortion from trial proceedings.

Good luck with that. The only reason Mr. Roeder killed Dr. Tiller was because of his late-term abortion practices. I think the guy deserves a medal. Abortion is one of many practices that are unconstitutional (5th Amendment, right to life) yet allowable by doctrine.

Dr. Tiller's death should be viewed as the first of many in the war against abortion. Millions of innocent unborn children are denied the right to life in this country every year. Why shouldn't someone from the opposing forces be slain in this battle? Think of it as a 273rd trimester abortion which should appease the critics.

*The necessity defense is asserted by a criminal or civil defendant that he or she had no choice but to break the law. In this case, Scott Roeder will be allowed to testify that he believed he was saving unborn children. The necessity defense allows for a reduction in charges from first-degree murder to voluntary manslaughter, which carries a lesser penalty.

Another Snow Job

We've received a little bit of snow here in the Midwest. I shoveled over a foot off my deck so I could grill a steak in 19 degree weather last night; but hey, "Have Beer, Will Grill" is my motto. While I was enjoying my Newcastle, smelling the awesomeness that is cow flesh charring on an open flame, and wishing the snow would melt I was thinking about another snow job that came my way.

Before I go on I must say, I'm glad I have a fairly secure job with benefits. BUT, President Hussein gave me and my fellow "gomment" employees and good ole fashioned screwing this year. Not the nice kind with flowers and enough booze to loosen you up; but the kind that leaves a pain in your ass.

Federal employees are paid, on average, about 25% less than their private sector counterparts. You can take your service to the public and suck it up comments, roll them up and forcibly insert them in to your anus. In layman's terms, shove it up your ass. You get what you pay for. If you're OK with the service received from a VA doc that makes about $300K less annually than a similarly situated physician I'll listen; otherwise I stand by that last statement, YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR.

Our "esteemed" President gave all Federal employees a 1.77% cost of living (COLA) increase for 2010. Our health insurance premiums are going up 12%, but in a few more months I'll be enrolled in a public option. So, no worries right?

Anyway, if our President had given all our service men and women a 5% COLA increase, I'd gladly forgo the COLA increase. He didn't do that though. He screwed them with a meager 2% COLA increase. And you thought Tiger Woods was a horn dog.

With our health insurance premiums increasing, that brings my 2010 COLA increase to about -10.79%. Thanks Mr. President. Next time, don't forget the lube!

Random Rants

Thus begins what will become a recurring section on the blog: Random Rants. As the name suggests, here is where I will fire off a random rant toward management, the government, family, or anyone else who appear in my cross hairs. Here goes...

Hey Mr. Boss Man,

I have been tasked with a job, by you or someone you have designated. Apparently I do my job a little too effectively for your taste. I know you like to sit up in your ivory tower caressing your golden throne, insulated from the daily mundane tasks a properly trained monkey could accomplish, but your job is to back up your employees on the front lines, in this case, of labor warfare.

My job is to ensure a delicate balance and maintain peace between employee morale, irrational union representatives, unmotivated employees, incompetent supervisory and management officials, lack of leadership accompanied by over-mismanagement, and a little thing called, The Law.

The Law gives the Agency (a.k.a.: management) certain rights regarding how to run the organization. Additionally, it outlines what are and are not legal behaviors for our unions to engage.

Boss, you frustrate me beyond belief. All day long I deal with irrational union presidents and stewards. They are bullies. When they don't get what they want, when they want it, they throw tantrums. They send emails to you and your boss, write congressmen, senators and the President, file unfair labor practices and attempt to make life unbearable. This is where you should step up and support your staff instead of instructing us to back off. I'm sure if I backed off and acquiesced to their every demand you would not hear anything from them and your "throne-time" would pass uninterrupted. I'm also sure if I did that it would be reflected in my performance appraisal.

I, more than anyone else, know how important it is to choose battles small enough to win but large enough to matter, but you need to understand a simple distinction between involvement and commitment.

Take a ham and egg breakfast for example. In a ham and egg breakfast, the chicken is involved; the pig is committed. You may be involved, but my rump is on the line in how I perform my duties.

Instead of the typical knee-jerk reaction you have, which is instructing me to back off, maybe you should ask, "What the hell is going on?" Once you have the facts, you'll know I'm on top of things and taking fire to protect you and the organization from out of control union militants.

Seek first the information to make an informed decision. You may be surprised to know that the unions are pushing for more control over the organization and I and my team are fighting them off and keeping them from running the organization into the ground.

I hope this helps. Have a great day and let me do my job.

Sincerely,

Old Fart