Wednesday, December 23, 2009

A Gift From Old Fart

In the giving spirit of Christmas, here are ten people I'd like to punch in the face - in no particular order.

Harry Reid

Newt Gingrich

Nancy Pelosi

Barbara Boxer

Howard Dean

Rham Emanuel (his last name should be Morning Star)

Joy Behar

Oprah

Robert Gibbs

Chris Dodd

Merry Christmas!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Life in the Stovepipe: Or How I learned to Stop Caring and Love Burning Money

It goes without saying, but the federal government is infamous for its bureaucracy. For example, several years ago, Department of Defense created centralized regional offices that managed multiple bases. Instead of each military facility standing on its own in regards to budget, structure, management, etc., multiple installations were regonalized and another inefficient layer of management added. Two years after the reorganization, fraud and inefficiency caused DoD to decentralize and return to each base managing itself.

Although the VA is divided into three groups (Veterans Health Administration (VHA), Veterans Benefits Administration (VBA) and Veterans Cemetery Administration (VCA)) for simplicity I will focus on VHA.

In similar fashion, and not to be out-bureaucratized by another agency, the Department of Veterans Affairs, Veterans Health Administration followed suit. About the time that DoD realized its mistake and began to restructure, the VA began to centralize into Veterans Integrated Service Networks (VISNs). Instead of each VA hospital having responsibility over its budget and services, the VISNs restructured into 23 regional offices. The VISNs have oversight and budgetary authority over all VA Hospitals within their respective geographical boundaries. To add to the doldrums, many VA hospitals were integrated into health care systems. For example, Tennessee Valley Health Care System (TVHS) is comprised of the Nashville, and Murfreesboro, TN VA hospitals and Eastern Kansas Health Care System (EKHCS) is comprised of both Leavenworth, and Topeka, KS VA hospitals. Further, plans exists to consolidate all VISN offices which oversee the hospitals and health care systems in their respective regions. Lets take a look at VISN 9, VA Mid South Healthcare and VISN 15, VA Heartland Networks and juxtapose.

VISN 9 consists of 9 VA hospitals in Kentucky, Tennessee and West Virginia; 8 Outpatient Clinics in Kentucky, Tennessee, and Virginia; and 37 Community Based Outpatient Clinics (CBOCs) in Arkansas, Indiana, Kentucky, Mississippi, Tennessee, and West Virginia. VISN 9 is not centralized, but funding is filtered through the VISN office (located in Nashville, TN) and divided up between the facilities. Each VA medical center is responsible for its own HR functions (Staffing, Position Classification, Retirement, Processing and Records (official records and files), and Employee and Labor Relations) and the CBOCs and clinics assigned to each hospital.

Filling a Vacant Position in a Non-Centralized VA Hospital:

When a position becomes available, the service line manager coordinates with HR for recruitment. HR reviews the paperwork and initiates the recruitment process through posting the position on USAJobs.gov. The HR office accepts all applications and reviews them to determine eligibility and qualification of applicants. The HR office creates a list of qualified and eligible applicants, then forwards the list to the service line manager to conduct interviews and make a selection. Once a selection is made, the paperwork is returned to the HR office and reviewed. If everything is on par, the applicant is offered the position and the HR office completes all the necessary paperwork.

VISN 15 consists of 8 VA hospitals in Missouri, Kansas and Illinois; and 41 CBOCs in Arkansas, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, and Missouri. The centralized VISN office, Located in Leavenworth, KS handles all the HR functions for the 8 medical centers and 41 CBOCs with HR Liaisons located at each facility. The VISN office handles Staffing, Classification, and Processing and Records. The HR Specialists at the VISN office are GS-12 specialists and are divided into blocks. The HR Liaisons at the medical facilities are GS-11 specialist and coordinate with the VISN for staffing, classification and processing and records.

Filling a vacant position in a centralized VISN.

When a vacancy becomes available in the medical center, the HR liaisons initiate recruitment to fill the position. They receive information from the service line manager (i.e. nursing) requesting a position to be filled, complete the proper paperwork, then forward the paperwork to the VISN office for completion. The VISN office posts the job on USAJobs.gov, receives all applications, reviews applications to determine qualified applicants, creates lists of qualified applicants based on eligibility, Veterans' Preference and qualifications, then forwards the list to the HR Liaison in the facility. The HR Liaison will forward the lists of eligible and qualified applicants to the service line manager for interviews and selection. Upon selection being made by the service line, the paperwork is returned to the HR liaison for review. Once reviewed by the HR liaison, the paperwork is forwarded to the VISN for another review. After the second review, the paperwork is returned to the HR liaison. If no problems exist, the selected applicant is contact and offered a position by the HR liaison. If the applicant accepts, the paperwork is again returned to the VISN for completion. If problems exists, the process begins anew.

Unfortunately, VISN 9 is gearing up to centralize functions to mirror VISN 15, adding another needless level of bureaucracy to the stovepipe. VA Secretary Eric Shinseki is taking a close look at the centralized model and has concerns over the inefficiency in which it operates.

In October, Secretary Shinseki asked VA employees for their ideas on improving services and operations. I had written proposal to do away with the VISN offices and have have every VA hospital responsible only for itself and associated CBOCs. All VISN Directors are Senior Executive Service (SES) and not GS employees - translation: They make Big Bucks $150K +. If you assume a GS-15, step 1 salary for the 23 VISN directors, deleting the VISN offices (and directors) from the VA would generate an immediate cost savings of approximately $2.5 million. I never submitted my proposal. All ideas generated by VA employees were reviewed by the Network directors. My proposal would have been DOA.

Another problem is the inequity of salary between the VISN HR specialist and the HR Liaisons. VISN 15 purposely hoards information and work to justify their positions, yet they have no real knowledge of how the facilities operate, nor do they communicate with the hospital staff, with the exception of the HR Liaisons. Front line HR Specialist at the facilities are shafted by the needless organizational structure. Also, facility level staff rarely receive year-end bonuses. Amazingly, the money dries up before it leaves the VISN office. But you can rest assured that the VISN fat cats get their bonuses, some of which top out at about $20K!

All this to say, if you think health care is expensive now, wait until the government owns and runs it all. You will see VA Hospitals replaced with Federal Hospitals and lines of sick and dying patients across the U.S. Yet another example of bureaucratic red tape that hinders operations and creates inefficiency.

It's time to wake up America. This consolidation of power is getting worse under President Hussein. From czars to security lapses to indecisiveness, government is growing more powerful. Thomas Jefferson once said, "When people fear their government, there is tyranny; when government fears the people, there is liberty." I, for one, want more liberty!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Double Down on the Feds

In a recent ruling, the Federal Labor Relations Authority (FLRA), the federal equivalent to the National Labor Relations Board (NLRB), ignoring 30 years of precedent and federal statute (5 U.S.C. §7112), determined that personnel specialist in the General Schedule 0201 series (Human Resources Specialist) should be included in a bargaining unit. Thank you President Hussein. Your tireless devotion to union thuggery, self-glorification, and idiocy has won out over commonsense and jurisprudence yet again.

You may be wondering why this is such a big deal. Allow me to pontificate.

The earliest form of unions were made of of skilled workers and called "craftsmen guilds." Historically, these guilds would meet to discuss techniques to increase efficiency, aesthetics, processes, etc (working conditions). The emergence of the industrial age changed the manufacturing and economic landscape of America and craftsmen guilds were replaced by trade unions.

The industrial revolution, fueled by greed, lack of ethics and federal oversight, brought with it child labor, unsafe working conditions, 12 - 14 hour shift work, and hosts of other problems. The role of the trade unions began to focus on workers rights in a market climate that favored industrialists. Low skilled workers were taken advantage of by the industrial tycoons. Even noted economics Adam Smith weighed in on the imbalance of power between workers and industry in his book, The Wealth of Nations.

In response, the trade unions began to act on behalf of their members. Through picketing, strikes, collective bargaining rights and other employee-centered union rights, the industrial and economic landscape again morphed. This time into an employee-rights centered paradigm.

Federal legislation addressing working conditions and employee rights eventually culminated with the passage of The Civil Rights Act of 1964. Following this we get the following legislation to protect employees: Age Discrimination in Employment Act of 1967; Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990 amended in 2008; Rehabilitation Act of 1973; Equal Pay Acts of 1963; Civil Rights Act of 1991; Uniformed Services Employment and Reemployment Rights Act of 1994; Vietnam Era Veterans' Readjustment Act of 1974; Family Medical Leave Act of 1993 amended 2008; Equal Opportunity Commission; Reasonable Accommodation; Family Friendly Leave Act of 1994; ad infinitum, ad nauseum. You get my drift. Why do we need unions now?

Federal Legislation designed specifically for remedial action to employee's rights and business responsibilities affects anything and everything a business can and cannot do. It's amazing that anything at all gets done with the regulatory stranglehold employees have over organizations. Add to that union involvement and you get a good, old-fashioned shit storm of archaic and ill-defined regulatory gobbledygook.

Get out your starch, it's time for some irony.

I find it amazing that people look to the federal government to solve their problems through legislative oversight as outlined above; then, upon employment with the federal government, turn to unions to protect them from the same federal government with whom they previously sought protection from. Are you dizzy yet. I'm not finished!

Then, (comma, space, pause for effect) positions that have been statutorily defined as exempt from bargaining and confirmed through 30 years of jurisprudence, magically get recatergorized and are now included.

Why do I thank the president? Earlier this year, POTUS announced two new appointees to the the FLRA. One is the former national counsel (attorney) for the National Federation of Federal Employees (NFFE) and the other is a self proclaimed Obama administration labor relations leader and the current chairwoman of the FLRA. This is going to become a nightmare for federal employee labor relations specialists such as myself.

With the most recent decision (Dept. of Agriculture, Forest Service, Albuquerque, NM and NFFE, 64 FLRA 31), unions will be allowed to basically double down on their influence and ultimately impact management residual rights through bargaining unit members engaging in policy and decision making at the facility level. It's a trojan horse.

While there was a time for unions, that time has long passed. We can't even fire poor employees due to their union rights. Bottom line is, we all have a job to perform. If we can't or won't meet the mission of our organization why do we exist?

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Ooh Rah!


On November 10, 1775 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania a small group of men sat in the heat and comfort of Tun Tavern discussing liberty and tyranny. The result of the heated debate, no doubt driven by more than a few pints, was the birth of what would become the most feared fighting force on planet earth - The United States Marine Corps. I can't think of a better birthplace for our beloved Corps than a bar. Happy Birthday Marines! Semper Fi, Do-or-Die, Kill Kill Kill. OOH RAH!
~~~

The USMC has over 234 years of romping, stomping, hell, death, and destruction. The finest fighting force the world has ever seen. We were born in a bomb crater, our mother was an M-16 and out father was the devil.

Each moment that I live is an additional threat upon your life. I am a rough looking, roving soldier of the sea. I am cocky, self-centered, overbearing, and I do not know the meaning of fear, for I am fear itself. I am a green, amphibious monster made of blood and gut who arose from the sea, festering on anti-Americans throughout the globe. Whenever it may arise, and when my time comes, I will die a glorious death on the battlefield, giving my life to mom, the Corps and the American flag.

We stole the eagle from the Air Force, the anchor from the Navy, and the rope from the Army. On the 7th day, while God rested, we over-ran his perimeter and stole the globe, and we've been running the show ever since. We live like soldiers and talk like sailors and slap the hell out of both of them. Soldier by day, drunkard by choice, Marine by God!

~~~
A United States Marine by Hershey S. Gehris, CCAM

I am
A United States Marine.
My Tenets are Duty, Honor, and Commitment
in services to God, Country, and Corps.
No matter the Cost;
No matter the Sacrifice
Even to the last full measure;
I will do my Duty.
I will Honor the traditions of those Marines who have gone before me;
As they have passed to me so will I pass to those who follow,
The sword of Freedom, the banner of Courage,
the unblemished Honor of the Corps.
For services without Honor is not our tradition.
I will serve with Honor.
I will be, at all times, always faithful
To my Corps, my Division,
To my Regiment, my Company
To my Platoon, my squad,
To my Fire-team, and to these Tenets
I will be Committed.
I am a United States Marine
I am neither an Ex Marine nor a Former Marine
I am or I am not
For a Marine, there is no middle ground.
I am
A United States Marine.
H & S 1/8
USMC
1963

Monday, November 2, 2009

Halloween Hooligans


First, yes those are my pumpkins.

I admit it. I live in one of "those" neighborhoods. One of those neighborhoods where kids from all over town congregate to pillage and plunder confectionery goodies. I guess there is a perception that people in our neighborhood have $$$$$. I must concede that in comparison to majority of the non-military people in our fair city, denizens in neighborhoods like mine do in fact have a higher annual salary than the "natives" and locals. Instead of the get off your ass and better yourself diatribe I'd normally be on, I've decided to keep it light. Why begin Monday by delving the depths of the human psyche to rip asunder long-held paradigms?

May I present:

A Cursory Discourse on Rural Midwestern Trick-or-Treater Demographics.

Group 1: Traditional Trick-or-Treaters

My favorite group. These youngsters average between 18 months and 10 years. The costumes are tasty, classic, non-offending, mildly frightening at their worst and the children are well-mannered and appreciative. The parents are dressed to match or compliment the child or they are along to chaperon and offer a wave to the homeowner tossing out the candy. They arrive early in the evening and finish before dark. Unfortunately this group only makes up about 15% of total Halloween visitors.

Group 2: Clandestine Creepies

*Ding-Dong*

Me: "May I help you?"

CC: "Trick-or-treat!"

Me: "Seriously? What are you supposed to be? A Redneck?"

CC: "It's Halloween. I'm asking for candy."

Me: "You know, Halloween should only be for people that still order from the kids menu and are WEARING A COSTUME!"

CC: "Are you gonna give me some candy?"

Me: "Get the hell out of here and go home."

I fully expected someone to hold up an electric mixer to their head and say, "I'm crazy egg-beater head. Gimme some candy." I would have appreciated the throwback SNL humor and happily handed-out sugary sweets. But to have no costume and the C-O-Jones to ring my doorbell and ask for candy!?! Are you barmy? This is approximately 5% (sans Group 3) of the visitors.

Group 3: Poor Parents

Perhaps a low-blow, but this does have two meanings. Poor Parents, as in parental skills, acumen and execution, and poor parents as in dire straits. I find the two paired together well in a parasitic relationship.

Example 1: One parent is escorting one child dressed in black sweats carrying a Wal-Mart enviro-friendly reusable bag as a treat depository. The lack of costume isn't really the kids fault so I can't blame the cute little guy. The dad however, carrying another bag and asking for candy in both bags because he has two, I have a problem with. After a stern refusal to offer candy into the dad's (or child's) second bag, I get a pumpkin kicked off my steps. Classy bro, classy.

Example 2: Two parents escorting their dressed-up kids (remember, birth control is too expensive so let's have six children with four different dads - again, I digress). Sounds OK, but the parents also have bags for candy. I happily give the kids (three of which were wearing homemade costumes - which I greatly appreciate) candy but refuse to give the adults candy. When asked why I'm stingy, I'm honest. "You should be escorting your kids to ensure their safety. Not looking for additional handouts from taxpayers. Halloween and trick-or-treating is for kids, not adults." Heated words laced with naval vocabulary that begins frightening the kids is relayed (I'm a former Marine, but in front of the kids, let's keep it clean). An off-duty police officer is walking up my driveway with his kids and diffuses the tension and gets the pathetic parents off my porch. I'm a bit upset that I don't get to use my taser, but the kids shouldn't suffer for the stupidity of the parents.

These two groups made up about 15% of our visitors. WTF? Where do they come from? Oh yeah, I live in a town that has five classes of citizenry: military personnel, prison employees, prison families (families that move to the town where their incarcerated loved one is being held), government employees, and locals. Quite the interesting mix of people.

Group 4: Looky Loos

This is a pathetic lot. Young girls between the ages of 12 and 16 dressing like ladies of an Amsterdam red-light district. I don't want to go too much into this group because of the primal inappropriate feelings conjured forth. If I ever catch my daughter dressing like I may have a simultaneous stroke, heart attack and aneurysm. Bit of advice girls, if you don't want to be treated like a piece of meat or whore, don't dress like one. Have some fracking self-esteem and modesty. 5% of the Halloween visitors.

Group 5: Tastefully Tacky

This band of miscreants "is what Halloween is all about." Scaring the ever-living crap out of small and innocent children. I remember growing up, the scariest costume was Skeletor or Freddy Kruger. Although as a child Freddy scared the hell out of me, in comparison to today's costumes he seems milquetoast. I had to cut short my kids' night because of these. My daughter was so sacred by the ghoulies that a Ladybug costume sent her into sheer panic. Poor thing. Then, how do you explain zombies and other gore-fare to a 3 year old? "Dad, what happens if someone kills me?" How the hell do you respond? I love horror movies, not gore movies. Think Saw and Hostile - you know, the crap that gives disguised animals ideas. But you have to draw the line somewhere. It's one thing to dress up and have a good scare, but to conjure up realistic images of the worst of man-kind? The soap-box is beginning to buckle under the weight of my sanctimoniousness, so I'll get down. 40% of our visitors.

Group 6: Geriatric Adolesence

OK kids, listen up. You are too fracking old to be knocking on strangers doors asking for candy. If it's 9:00, my lights are out, you're dressed all in black, beating on my door, you'd better be prepared to meet my friends Smith and Wesson. Additionally, if you play basketball for your high school, your uniform doesn't count as a costume. Your hijinks are as unwelcomed as you. Go home and handout candy to the youngsters or get a date and go to a haunted house or movie. Just stop beating on my door. I've got an itchy trigger finger and ample ammo. 20% of the visitors - typically 2030 until 2300.

Alas, Halloween has come and gone. No vandilism to person or property. Nothing nefarious in received goodies. Hopefully, no long-term psychological damage to my children. I need to get back to work and find creative solutions to decreasing employee moral. Hope you had a happy, safe and non-horrifying Halloween. Until next time, Old Fart - out.

Friday, October 23, 2009

On Your Mark...

Welcome to Smiling Cynics. I got a lot to say, no one to listen and a place to accomplish both. A friend of mine suggested that I begin the arduous task of blogging about my innovative and common sense ideas to completely transform our world, or at least what's left. If you think one man can't make a difference, you're probably right, but until you spread your wings you never know how far you can walk (http://www.despair.com).

As a government employee, I'm entitled to two 15 minute breaks and one 30 minute lunch. In reality that is pretty much my work schedule. I figured that if I want to keep my family fed through your hard earned tax dollars I'd better do something productive. When Ms. Leigh suggested I blog I thought, "Wow, the sound of my fingers typing out my despair is sure to make it sound as if I'm busy." So far, it's working today. I still have a job and I'm getting something worthwhile accomplished. Yay me.

Check in periodically as I begin blowing your mind with sophisticatedly whimsical ideas on world domin-, I mean, world-changing ideology. If that sounded a bit too optimistic for this page, please see paragraph 1.

Regards,

Old Fart