First, yes those are my pumpkins.
I admit it. I live in one of "those" neighborhoods. One of those neighborhoods where kids from all over town congregate to pillage and plunder confectionery goodies. I guess there is a perception that people in our neighborhood have $$$$$. I must concede that in comparison to majority of the non-military people in our fair city, denizens in neighborhoods like mine do in fact have a higher annual salary than the "natives" and locals. Instead of the get off your ass and better yourself diatribe I'd normally be on, I've decided to keep it light. Why begin Monday by delving the depths of the human psyche to rip asunder long-held paradigms?
May I present:
A Cursory Discourse on Rural Midwestern Trick-or-Treater Demographics.
Group 1: Traditional Trick-or-Treaters
My favorite group. These youngsters average between 18 months and 10 years. The costumes are tasty, classic, non-offending, mildly frightening at their worst and the children are well-mannered and appreciative. The parents are dressed to match or compliment the child or they are along to chaperon and offer a wave to the homeowner tossing out the candy. They arrive early in the evening and finish before dark. Unfortunately this group only makes up about 15% of total Halloween visitors.
Group 2: Clandestine Creepies
*Ding-Dong*
Me: "May I help you?"
CC: "Trick-or-treat!"
Me: "Seriously? What are you supposed to be? A Redneck?"
CC: "It's Halloween. I'm asking for candy."
Me: "You know, Halloween should only be for people that still order from the kids menu and are WEARING A COSTUME!"
CC: "Are you gonna give me some candy?"
Me: "Get the hell out of here and go home."
I fully expected someone to hold up an electric mixer to their head and say, "I'm crazy egg-beater head. Gimme some candy." I would have appreciated the throwback SNL humor and happily handed-out sugary sweets. But to have no costume and the C-O-Jones to ring my doorbell and ask for candy!?! Are you barmy? This is approximately 5% (sans Group 3) of the visitors.
Group 3: Poor Parents
Perhaps a low-blow, but this does have two meanings. Poor Parents, as in parental skills, acumen and execution, and poor parents as in dire straits. I find the two paired together well in a parasitic relationship.
Example 1: One parent is escorting one child dressed in black sweats carrying a Wal-Mart enviro-friendly reusable bag as a treat depository. The lack of costume isn't really the kids fault so I can't blame the cute little guy. The dad however, carrying another bag and asking for candy in both bags because he has two, I have a problem with. After a stern refusal to offer candy into the dad's (or child's) second bag, I get a pumpkin kicked off my steps. Classy bro, classy.
Example 2: Two parents escorting their dressed-up kids (remember, birth control is too expensive so let's have six children with four different dads - again, I digress). Sounds OK, but the parents also have bags for candy. I happily give the kids (three of which were wearing homemade costumes - which I greatly appreciate) candy but refuse to give the adults candy. When asked why I'm stingy, I'm honest. "You should be escorting your kids to ensure their safety. Not looking for additional handouts from taxpayers. Halloween and trick-or-treating is for kids, not adults." Heated words laced with naval vocabulary that begins frightening the kids is relayed (I'm a former Marine, but in front of the kids, let's keep it clean). An off-duty police officer is walking up my driveway with his kids and diffuses the tension and gets the pathetic parents off my porch. I'm a bit upset that I don't get to use my taser, but the kids shouldn't suffer for the stupidity of the parents.
These two groups made up about 15% of our visitors. WTF? Where do they come from? Oh yeah, I live in a town that has five classes of citizenry: military personnel, prison employees, prison families (families that move to the town where their incarcerated loved one is being held), government employees, and locals. Quite the interesting mix of people.
Group 4: Looky Loos
This is a pathetic lot. Young girls between the ages of 12 and 16 dressing like ladies of an Amsterdam red-light district. I don't want to go too much into this group because of the primal inappropriate feelings conjured forth. If I ever catch my daughter dressing like I may have a simultaneous stroke, heart attack and aneurysm. Bit of advice girls, if you don't want to be treated like a piece of meat or whore, don't dress like one. Have some fracking self-esteem and modesty. 5% of the Halloween visitors.
Group 5: Tastefully Tacky
This band of miscreants "is what Halloween is all about." Scaring the ever-living crap out of small and innocent children. I remember growing up, the scariest costume was Skeletor or Freddy Kruger. Although as a child Freddy scared the hell out of me, in comparison to today's costumes he seems milquetoast. I had to cut short my kids' night because of these. My daughter was so sacred by the ghoulies that a Ladybug costume sent her into sheer panic. Poor thing. Then, how do you explain zombies and other gore-fare to a 3 year old? "Dad, what happens if someone kills me?" How the hell do you respond? I love horror movies, not gore movies. Think Saw and Hostile - you know, the crap that gives disguised animals ideas. But you have to draw the line somewhere. It's one thing to dress up and have a good scare, but to conjure up realistic images of the worst of man-kind? The soap-box is beginning to buckle under the weight of my sanctimoniousness, so I'll get down. 40% of our visitors.
Group 6: Geriatric Adolesence
OK kids, listen up. You are too fracking old to be knocking on strangers doors asking for candy. If it's 9:00, my lights are out, you're dressed all in black, beating on my door, you'd better be prepared to meet my friends Smith and Wesson. Additionally, if you play basketball for your high school, your uniform doesn't count as a costume. Your hijinks are as unwelcomed as you. Go home and handout candy to the youngsters or get a date and go to a haunted house or movie. Just stop beating on my door. I've got an itchy trigger finger and ample ammo. 20% of the visitors - typically 2030 until 2300.
Alas, Halloween has come and gone. No vandilism to person or property. Nothing nefarious in received goodies. Hopefully, no long-term psychological damage to my children. I need to get back to work and find creative solutions to decreasing employee moral. Hope you had a happy, safe and non-horrifying Halloween. Until next time, Old Fart - out.
